


rip the band-aid fast so it feels right

by wildfloweryujin



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 09:48:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19423504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildfloweryujin/pseuds/wildfloweryujin
Summary: the media is sure there’s something going on between lisa and y/n, two members of the girl group blackpink, but they’d never tell.@cmilaestial on Wattpad





	rip the band-aid fast so it feels right

The chants and cheers still rang in Y/N's ears long after she and the girls disappeared backstage. She took off her in-ears to find some of their staff uttering words of encouragement to them after yet another successful show. It's become a routine now for the past few months; every night they would go on stage, perform and go to the send-offs. She loved performing and seeing the faces in the crowd light up, but the perpetual schedule was demanding and truth be told, quite exhausting.

A hand rested on her shoulder and she quickly whipped her head back.

"Y/N, what's wrong? Are you not feeling well?" Jisoo- _unnie_ looked at her with concerned eyes before scanning her body for any noticeable, physical injuries.

Y/N shook her head. She didn't notice that her legs were weakening and staggering as she walked into the dressing room because she was. . .well, quite indifferent to her well-being at this point. Reluctantly, she averted her eyes towards Lisa, seeing her look back with round, doe eyes.

"I'm fine, _unnie_. Just a little sleepy." Y/N replied with the faintest hint of a smile.

Jisoo went on to then ramble about how Y/N should take better care of herself, drink more water and get enough sleep. Y/N rolled her eyes and nodded quickly whilst gulping down a big sip from a water bottle she grabbed from the table.

Another touch—this time, it was on her thigh. It seemed to send electricity throughout Y/N's body as soon as she knew whose hand it was. Her hair was a bit messy, her forehead glistening from beads of salty sweat, but she looked heaven-sent.

"You okay?" Lisa asked softly.

"Yeah." Y/N smiled. "Don't worry." She put the hand that wasn't already holding her bottle over Lisa's. It was so warm and delicate, and Y/N hated that she couldn't just plant a kiss on it.

Lisa let out a small giggle. "That's good." Enchanting, that's what she was. The sound of her laughter was so melodic that it captured Y/N in a trance. It might also have been the reason why it took her a few seconds to register the quick peck she received on the cheek from her beloved bandmate.

"Lisa, come here!" One of the makeup artists called, asking to get Lisa out of her stage outfit.

Y/N smiled. Just how fast the tranquillity she felt when Lisa was near, and that which pulled them into a world of their own, disappeared as soon as Lisa left.

I need you. But I'll be damned if you knew.

• • • •

It was nearly 3am when Y/N glanced at her phone for the first time all night. The rapid change of geographical location didn't allow her to have time to grow accustomed to the timezones yet, so Y/N's biological clock was still unfortunately stuck in the East Coast when they played there a week ago.

She was trying to finish up an idea that she thought of earlier in the evening, and her brain felt like it would explode anytime now. Letting out a long and loud exhale, she stretched her limbs before hitting play to listen back to the track.

There were small knocks at the door. Y/N quirked her eyebrows up, as she went to open it. Surely, she wasn't expecting any visitors at this ungodly hour, unless it was one of her members—

"Hi."

"Lisa." Y/N breathed out. "What are you doing up?"

The Thai was wearing a baggy, mustard sweater and shorts that revealed her beautiful, toned legs. Her face was free of any speck of makeup, but thin, round glasses sat elegantly on the bridge of her nose.

"I heard you." She giggled again. There's no way that Y/N was ever going to get tired of it. "The walls here are pretty thin."

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea, staying in the hotel room next to Lisa's. In a private space like this was where Y/N could express her feelings in music like she's been doing for hours, where she confides her feelings in the four walls surrounding her. Surely these walls wouldn't spill her secrets. . ?

"Oh, yeah." Nervous laughter escaped Y/N's lips. "I was working on a track. Do you want to listen?"

Lisa nodded eagerly and allowed herself inside once Y/N granted her passage. She plopped onto the bed and quickly wrapped the blanket around herself like a cute little roll.

Y/N only shook her head and smiled. "I don't know what I'm going to call it yet. I don't know if it'll _ever_ see the light of the day, but I like it so far."

She pressed play. As soon as her croaky 2am voice started singing, Y/N glanced over to Lisa to watch her reaction. It was a song she wrote for herself, for these feelings, for Lisa. The idea came to her when she was sitting next to the girl at dinner, when Lisa put a few strands of her own hair behind her ear just to get a better sight of the food she was trying to grab with her chopsticks. Something sparked in Y/N; it was the little things that Lisa did that drove Y/N insane. But she'd never know.

_"But I don't think you love me and it kills me everyday."_

But you'd never know. . .

"Woahhh. . ." Lisa had a bright smile on her face, her body melting into Y/N's lap. "Y/N, that's so good! You should pitch this to Teddy _sunbae-nim_ to make it your solo."

"I don't know, Lisa. I'm not ready to give it to Teddy yet." I'm not ready to let him or the world know yet.

Lisa stopped to look at Y/N. Self-doubt was never a good look on her, especially when she was so much more talented than she gave herself credit for. Lisa admired her as much as she wished Y/N would stop overlooking her own potential.

"Hey," Lisa's slender fingers wrapped around Y/N's wrist for a squeeze, her mouth forming an encouraging smile, "I know that if anyone can do it, it's you. I believe in you."

It made Y/N feel somewhat better. Having Lisa by her side as they're tangled under the sheets together like this, maybe everything will be okay. Maybe, this was enough.

"Can I sleep here with you?"

Y/N beamed and nodded.

The next morning, she woke up to a cold other half of the bed. The sheet on the other side was laid out neatly as if no one ever rested under it, as if no one ever slept beside her last night. Pooled into a yellow puddle of fabric in the armchair beside her double bed was Lisa's sweater she wore last night. Using the bare minimum of the strength Y/N had in the morning, she pulled herself to the other side, where it was cold and isolated, to reach and grab the sweater. Quickly, she brought it to her face and inhaled the smell it radiated. She loved Lisa's smell of soft and sweet perfume. A little disappointed Lisa wasn't actually there, perhaps she had gone back to her room earlier in the morning. But it smelt just like her, just how she remembered Lisa before she drifted off.

The weather was mild when it was day, so there was no questioning when Lisa wore a T-shirt, a crimson red one to breakfast down at the hotel restaurant. She didn't asked for her sweater, so Y/N didn't think to offer to give it back. Truth is, they swapped clothes among each other all the time. Y/N was sure Lisa still had a blouse of hers from when she borrowed it for an outfit or that she herself had Jennie's white crop top sitting somewhere in her own closet. It would be fine if she had the sweater just for a little bit.

Lisa did offer her a smile when she arrived at the table to see Jisoo already digging into a mountain of food while Chaeyoung and Jennie were giggling over something on one of their phones. They were talking about something, something that made Jisoo and even Lisa join in occasionally, but Y/N minded her own business and ate while she listened halfway.

Why didn't Lisa wait for her to wake up before leaving? Did she leave the sweater with intention?

Does she know?

A pale red prawn suddenly hopped onto Y/N's plate. Its head had been removed and it seemed that its shell had been too. She followed the arm that put it there. Lisa just smiled again. Stop smiling like that.

"I don't like prawns." Lisa confessed with a sheepish smile and returned to take another one out of its shell on her plate. When she was finished, she put the flesh onto Y/N's plate again.

Y/N just smiled gratefully and ate her prawns. She almost believed that this was some sort of hidden affection Lisa showed her, but she dared not question it, for it might startle the girl and it would all go away and they would go back to just eating from their own plates. And she couldn't stand the alienation, not when she needed Lisa so much.

She didn't understand this perplexing creature that was Lisa. One day, she was doing stuff like picking prawns out for Y/N, hinting, the next she had already hopped on another plane to go Paris for a solo event without Y/N's knowledge.

"I thought you knew." You thought I knew? "It's never bugged you before." It's because I don't show it to you.

Y/N ended the video chats earlier than the usual length of their calls that night, hearing Lisa say she had to go and well, Y/N had to go to sleep.

She couldn't stand the bitterness she tasted on the tip of her tongue, knowing that Lisa was halfway across the world, knowing it didn't bug Lisa as much as it did her. She knew she was in deep trouble—falling in love with one of her group mates, how ridiculous.

She found it somewhat reassuring when she scrolled through the [y/n and lisa's ship name] tag on Instagram, mentally thanking the fans for agreeing with her though, but what she felt for Lisa goes beyond just a normal ship in a group. The way Y/N looks at Lisa, one post said. They're soulmates, said another.

Was it really that obvious that, even the fans picked up on it? If it were, why hasn't Lisa noticed?

Knowing that she wouldn't be able to sleep right away, Y/N quietly shuffled out of her room and into the living room of BLACKPINK's shared apartment. It was suffocating inside, for every corner of the apartment echoed a sliver of a memory she shared with Lisa, so she opened the slide door and stepped out of the balcony. Tears involuntarily started to well in Y/N's eyes and before long she was sobbing into her hands.

"Y/N? Why are you crying?" Upon hearing the small voice behind her, she quickly wiped her tears away. She rarely cried in front of her members for, even now when they were all alone in their private space away from any prying cameras, she didn't want to appear vulnerable.

"Y/N-ah. . ." Chaeyoung had appeared beside her, her face knotted with concern. "You know you can tell me anything."

Normally, it would be the other way around. Y/N would be the one her members confide in in times of trouble, yet here she was, with Chaeyoung's comforting hands on her back and hand, about to regurgitate everything that has been plaguing her mind for months.

A text appeared on Y/N's phone.

manobal:  
I need to speak to you. When I get back.  
_Sent at 12:28am_

• • • •

Lisa looked tired, but her smooth skin seemed a bit darker as though she had caught a slight tan during her stay in Paris. She brought lots of snacks home that she was sprawling out like a black market on her freshly cleaned bed. Y/N thought to walk in without knocking, but it seemed the things she was about to lay upon this poor girl would be better compensated with a bit of courtesy. So she settled for three quick knocks on Lisa's bedroom door.

"Got a second?" Y/N tugged nervously on her sleeves.

"For you? Always."

Y/N was sure she was hearing it wrong; all the things she wished to say and reality are separated by a very blurred line.

"Look, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry."

" _You're_ sorry?" Confused, Y/N pushed, "what have you got to apologize for?"

"I left without saying anything." Lisa explained, though there was something in the way she eyed Y/N that said she was curious for Y/N's apology. "I knew what an ass I sounded like when I said I thought you knew about it."

"Don't stress about it. I've forgiven you long before you touched down here."

"What have you got to apologize for?" The Thai echoed the exact word Y/N had uttered in bewilderment.

A breath hitched in Y/N's throat. This is it. She was going to tell Lisa everything. The conversation she had with Rosie last night prompted this courage that she was desperately holding onto before it dissipated and before she goes back to be burdened with this secret.

_"I think I had my suspicions about you two, Jennie and Jisoo too,"_ Chaeyoung said. _"It was hard to miss the longing looks you'd give her."_

"Lisa, I have to apologize for the way I've been acting lately. I was too caught up in my head about many things."

"Was that also the reason why you kept my sweater after that night? Because it gives you comfort?"

She spoke of it as thought they had done something diabolical, that night. The only diabolical thing about it was how strong of a grip you had on me and how you were totally unaware of it. The only thing diabolical was you.

"You've noticed?" Y/N said, half-referring to the sweater. Lisa nodded.

_"I don't know how to tell her,"_ Y/N had said to Chaeyoung. 

_"Just tell her how you feel, or would you rather keep it until you go to your grave?"_

"Yes, it comforts me." You comfort me, was what she meant to say.

"Then you can keep it for as long as you like."

_"Lisa is young, so are you, and so am I and so are Jennie and Jisoo-unnie. Before long we'd find someone who we think would complete us that we'd forget the bond we share with each other in BLACKPINK trumps all else. And most of us are usually unaware of it and we let our years waste away, with the wrong people. Lisa won't ever know how you feel about her as she lives her life, while you're stuck here trying to figure out how to get on with yours. Is that what you want?"_

"There's something I want to tell you, I need to tell you."

Lisa stared at her, large, brown eyes boring into her, searching for answer. She took a step forward, closing the distance between them. "Anything."

"There was a reason why I was angry at you for leaving without telling me, because I was planning on telling you about this earlier and you made me lose my momentum."

Lisa had gotten close enough that with a short reach of a hand, she'd be able to wrap Y/N in her arms. Her chest heaving irregularly before her, causing the front her shirt to touch Y/N's as she did so.

"That song I showed you, the lyrics. . .it was written. . .about you."

Silence. Silence. Silence.

Please say something. Don't leave me hanging like this.

In a split second, Y/N, who had hoped for this moment to come earlier, was pulled in, into a trance, a fantasy world, a fairytale, all by the touch of her own lips with Lisa's. The girl had cradled Y/N's head in both of her hands and kissed her with such fiery passion, it would inspire her to write countless songs afterwards. Instinctively, Y/N looped her arm around Lisa's waist and pulling closer, leaving their chests pressed tightly on one another. It was the first time Y/N had tasted Lisa's lips, and nothing has ever tasted so sweet—so incredibly soft, so lovely.

Y/N had made the initiation to part from Lisa, as much as she dreaded it. She wanted to kiss Lisa forever.

"How did—How did you know?"

"I didn't." Lisa said, breathlessly. "I even came as far as thinking you didn't like me like that. I've loved you for a while now. You never noticed."

I never noticed. _I never noticed_. Y/N was so caught up in her own little dreamy bubble that she didn't pick up on Lisa's feelings. How foolish she had been. Now she'll never forgive herself for wasting time. If only she had known. . .

Y/N leaned in again, this time she was more in control and she captured Lisa's lips more fully. She felt her grinning as their faces were squish together.

"What about YG?" Y/N stopped, but her forehead rested on Lisa's.

"I don't care. They won't do anything if they don't know. I care about you too much to let this go."

In that moment, Y/N admired Lisa so much. She loved her, and she was over the moon to call Lisa hers. Even if they would only be together in secret, the world didn't matter as long as she had Lisa. As long as Lisa was beside her, holding her in her arms with so much love like this, she'll be alright.

_"Is that want you want, Y/N?"_


End file.
